If you really have a seatbelt for your dog, unfriend me now

If you have a custom made seatbelt in the backseat for your dog, unfriend me now.

If you bring your dogs to the coffee shop, unfriend me now

If you bring your two Alsatian sized dogs with you to the coffee shop that I am working in, and the then bark at every person walking in, unfriend me now.

You idiot.
Paris Hilton looks like a moron with a biscuit sized dog draped over her arm.

You look like a prized tit with your two smelly, damp tail thumping dogs stumbling all over the place and slobbering in my coffee.

If you work for any large bank, Unfriend me now!

If you work for any large bank.
Unfriend me now!
80% of the advertising I am exposed to, comes from you.
Your rates are all the same. Y
ou are all cock-suckers and slimeballs (parden my french)
Watching three major banks run extensive national advertising campaigns against each other makes me want to puke.
On you.
Heres an idea.
Why not scrap all your advertisings budgets and plough that into reducing my bank charges.
You arsehole.

Unfriend me now!

If you are a 5 Star David Livingston unfriend me now.

Oh my word!
You travelled for two weeks.
In five star luxury.
Risk free.
You must be exhausted poor thing.
The stress of it all.

What an adventurer.

I so enjoyed your multiple daily updates.
And the 75 photo's you uploaded each day.

They were not boring at all.
You must really have experienced life in a foreign country to the full from your suite in the Hyat.

Unfriend me now.

If you pooped on the floor unfriend me now

If you are Feta Lilly the kitten
Who shat on the kitchen floor early this morning.
Right next to the litter box.
During breakfast.
Unfriend me now.

If you wear grey shoes unfriend me now.

If you ever wear grey shoes.
Ever.
Especially with grey suits.
But ever.

Please unfriend me now.

If you invite to weekly musical recitals unfriend me now

You started a band 27 years ago.
You keep your hair bushy and your facial hair rough.
You are stuck in the grunge look form the 90's
You and your band play most week-end at out of the way venues.
Never to more than 15 people.

You never got a CD together.
Your youtube posts have 13 hits.
You live through facebook.

Its great you are following your dream.

But your weekly invitations cluttering my facebook page are irritating.

How can I say this nicely.

Please unfriend me.

If you are beige unfriend me now

If you are beige.
Unfriend me now.

You can be any colour under the rainbow.
You can mix colours.
You can make a mess.

You should make a mess.

Beige clashes with what I am trying to get going on.

Beige is quiet, obeys every rule, crosses every "t" and dots every 'i".
Beige is safe and takes no risks.
Beige plans and plans and measures consequences.
Beige spreadsheets love, and passion and dreams.

If you are uncomfortable about same sex relationships unfriend me now

If you have a deep sense of discomfort thinking about same sex relationships.
Unfriend me now.
Your child will not turn into a lesbian by having a sleepover at her best friends house who happens to have two moms.

And if she did, she would probably be a lot more interesting for it.

If you reminisce about your time in the army unfriend me now.

If you were in the military for less than two years, and left more than twenty years ago, and still regularly refer to your military exploits and how much you miss those good old days, and have military insignia in your profile, and links to "when we were in the military" groups.

Unfriend me now.

You weren't in the SAS.
You were a driver and a mechanic.

Get over it.
Make new friends.
Find new hobbies.
Move on.

Sorry that you got those tatoo's?

I thought not.

If you notify me of all your gamer scores Unfriend me now.

If I get multiple daily reports about how well you are doing playing "Bubble Safari".
If you spend time in your day seeking the forth golden crown on the island of mystery.

Don't tell people.
Hide it.

Don't send me messages updating me about your score.

Games on facebook are like porn.
Its okay to do it, but don't share it with the rest of us.

You are an idiot.
Unfriend me now!

ps - Gamers do not play bubble breaker and tetris.

If you try and sell me life insurance over Facebook unfriend me now!

You work for an insurance company.
I don't want to be sold life insurance via face book.
Why are you selling life insurance via face book.
Why do you think I would be interested in reading about your company's financial results.
I know what an advertorial is.
I throw away the business section of the newspaper anyway.
Go away.
Eff off.
Unfriend me now!