If you are Bashar al-Assad Unfriend me now!

If you are Syrian.
If you are a president.
If your name is Bashar.
If you surname is al-Assad.

Unfriend me now!

Ginger Head

The Ginger dude in the bank on Saturday morning who took 40 minutes to complete a single transaction.

Unfriend me now!

Too many posts in one day

Oh my word.
17 posts in one day.
All of them with pictures.

Please unfriend me now.

Bad Gym Ettiquette - Unfriend me now!

If you are the fatty, sweaty, balding bastard, who used the second bicycle from the left at the Gym.
It's bad enough that you hogged one of only four bikes.
For 30 minutes.
Talking on your cell phone and going nowhere.

What was really knobby of you though.
Was the bucket of grey, garlic sweat that you dripped all over the handle-bars, the seat and the monitor.

You pig.

That's what the sterile spray and wipes are for.
And that is why the signs tell you to bring a towel with you.

Clean up after yourself and Unfriend me now!

If you cross out the comma Unfriend me Now!

So I take my kids to the library each week.
And so I also now take out books myself.

Now what is it with people writing in library books?

Kind of weird and definitely worth unfriending.

Type One
The Zealot - you are right wing, and take out a book that is very obviously left wing, so you scribble notes and cross out whole sections you don't agree with. You have a university degree but you Don't you have a job. Sorry to ask a stupid question, but why take out a book that is very obviously going to make you angry. Its like an atheist taking out a Bible, and then getting angry and crossing it all out. Just don't take it out.

Type Two
The Angry Person - you swear a lot and call people in the book, or who have written the book, names. Why did you take the book out in the first place. You hate Steve Jobs? Why take out his Biography? Get help

Type Three
The person who crossed out the comma on page 22 of the book I am currently reading called What the Dog Saw. You saw a comma you thought needed not to be there. It bothered you all the way through to page 27. You stopped reading. You got up to go and find a pencil. You came back and crossed out the comma on page 22. I hope you felt a lot better afterwards. I bet you haven't had sex in about 17 years.

Please can you all unfriend me now!

If you don't have a sense of humour - Unfriend me now

If you run a major international company.
And at midnight you inadvertently receive an sms from one of your senior consultants.
Who is stumbling around St Petersberg slightly drunk.
And the sms, clearly not meant for you, reads:

"I've just made a really satisfying fart"

And you don't think it is funny.

Then unfriend me now.

What you should have done is text him back.
Two words.

"Well done"

If you support Shell Fracking the Karoo - Unfriend me now!

Shell is set to spend R1.6 billion on fracking and fucking up the Karoo.
Today we are set to find out if they can or not.

But even just because they tried.

If you work for Shell, own Shell shares, promote Shell, justify Shell, protect Shell or even use Shell.
Then unfriend me now.

(sorry Ken, sorry Dale)

Don't even start on their Arctic plans.

Frack Shell. Frack them to hell and gone.

If you have a really bad fake accent - Unfriend me now!

If you were born here and lived here for more than 25 years.
And now you have lived there for 5 years.
And you constantly complain about how shit is was here.
And how great it is there.
And you sound more like them than they do.

Unfriend me now you twat!

We are all glad you are gone.
Talk about something else already.
With your shitty phony accent.
We don't give a shit.

Kevin Petersen - Unfriend me now!

If your name is Kevin Petersen.
If people call you "KP"
If you are an ex South African playing cricket for England.

Unfriend me now you poepol!