Live Updating your childs birth - Unfriend me now

If you are Bashar al-Assad Unfriend me now!

If you are Syrian.
If you are a president.
If your name is Bashar.
If you surname is al-Assad.

Unfriend me now!

Ginger Head

The Ginger dude in the bank on Saturday morning who took 40 minutes to complete a single transaction.

Unfriend me now!

Too many posts in one day

Oh my word.
17 posts in one day.
All of them with pictures.

Please unfriend me now.

Bad Gym Ettiquette - Unfriend me now!

If you are the fatty, sweaty, balding bastard, who used the second bicycle from the left at the Gym.
It's bad enough that you hogged one of only four bikes.
For 30 minutes.
Talking on your cell phone and going nowhere.

What was really knobby of you though.
Was the bucket of grey, garlic sweat that you dripped all over the handle-bars, the seat and the monitor.

You pig.

That's what the sterile spray and wipes are for.
And that is why the signs tell you to bring a towel with you.

Clean up after yourself and Unfriend me now!

If you cross out the comma Unfriend me Now!

So I take my kids to the library each week.
And so I also now take out books myself.

Now what is it with people writing in library books?

Kind of weird and definitely worth unfriending.

Type One
The Zealot - you are right wing, and take out a book that is very obviously left wing, so you scribble notes and cross out whole sections you don't agree with. You have a university degree but you Don't you have a job. Sorry to ask a stupid question, but why take out a book that is very obviously going to make you angry. Its like an atheist taking out a Bible, and then getting angry and crossing it all out. Just don't take it out.

Type Two
The Angry Person - you swear a lot and call people in the book, or who have written the book, names. Why did you take the book out in the first place. You hate Steve Jobs? Why take out his Biography? Get help

Type Three
The person who crossed out the comma on page 22 of the book I am currently reading called What the Dog Saw. You saw a comma you thought needed not to be there. It bothered you all the way through to page 27. You stopped reading. You got up to go and find a pencil. You came back and crossed out the comma on page 22. I hope you felt a lot better afterwards. I bet you haven't had sex in about 17 years.

Please can you all unfriend me now!

If you don't have a sense of humour - Unfriend me now

If you run a major international company.
And at midnight you inadvertently receive an sms from one of your senior consultants.
Who is stumbling around St Petersberg slightly drunk.
And the sms, clearly not meant for you, reads:

"I've just made a really satisfying fart"

And you don't think it is funny.

Then unfriend me now.

What you should have done is text him back.
Two words.

"Well done"

If you support Shell Fracking the Karoo - Unfriend me now!

Shell is set to spend R1.6 billion on fracking and fucking up the Karoo.
Today we are set to find out if they can or not.

But even just because they tried.

If you work for Shell, own Shell shares, promote Shell, justify Shell, protect Shell or even use Shell.
Then unfriend me now.

(sorry Ken, sorry Dale)

Don't even start on their Arctic plans.

Frack Shell. Frack them to hell and gone.

If you have a really bad fake accent - Unfriend me now!

If you were born here and lived here for more than 25 years.
And now you have lived there for 5 years.
And you constantly complain about how shit is was here.
And how great it is there.
And you sound more like them than they do.

Unfriend me now you twat!

We are all glad you are gone.
Talk about something else already.
With your shitty phony accent.
We don't give a shit.

Kevin Petersen - Unfriend me now!

If your name is Kevin Petersen.
If people call you "KP"
If you are an ex South African playing cricket for England.

Unfriend me now you poepol!

If you really have a seatbelt for your dog, unfriend me now

If you have a custom made seatbelt in the backseat for your dog, unfriend me now.

If you bring your dogs to the coffee shop, unfriend me now

If you bring your two Alsatian sized dogs with you to the coffee shop that I am working in, and the then bark at every person walking in, unfriend me now.

You idiot.
Paris Hilton looks like a moron with a biscuit sized dog draped over her arm.

You look like a prized tit with your two smelly, damp tail thumping dogs stumbling all over the place and slobbering in my coffee.

If you work for any large bank, Unfriend me now!

If you work for any large bank.
Unfriend me now!
80% of the advertising I am exposed to, comes from you.
Your rates are all the same. Y
ou are all cock-suckers and slimeballs (parden my french)
Watching three major banks run extensive national advertising campaigns against each other makes me want to puke.
On you.
Heres an idea.
Why not scrap all your advertisings budgets and plough that into reducing my bank charges.
You arsehole.

Unfriend me now!

If you are a 5 Star David Livingston unfriend me now.

Oh my word!
You travelled for two weeks.
In five star luxury.
Risk free.
You must be exhausted poor thing.
The stress of it all.

What an adventurer.

I so enjoyed your multiple daily updates.
And the 75 photo's you uploaded each day.

They were not boring at all.
You must really have experienced life in a foreign country to the full from your suite in the Hyat.

Unfriend me now.

If you pooped on the floor unfriend me now

If you are Feta Lilly the kitten
Who shat on the kitchen floor early this morning.
Right next to the litter box.
During breakfast.
Unfriend me now.

If you wear grey shoes unfriend me now.

If you ever wear grey shoes.
Ever.
Especially with grey suits.
But ever.

Please unfriend me now.

If you invite to weekly musical recitals unfriend me now

You started a band 27 years ago.
You keep your hair bushy and your facial hair rough.
You are stuck in the grunge look form the 90's
You and your band play most week-end at out of the way venues.
Never to more than 15 people.

You never got a CD together.
Your youtube posts have 13 hits.
You live through facebook.

Its great you are following your dream.

But your weekly invitations cluttering my facebook page are irritating.

How can I say this nicely.

Please unfriend me.

If you are beige unfriend me now

If you are beige.
Unfriend me now.

You can be any colour under the rainbow.
You can mix colours.
You can make a mess.

You should make a mess.

Beige clashes with what I am trying to get going on.

Beige is quiet, obeys every rule, crosses every "t" and dots every 'i".
Beige is safe and takes no risks.
Beige plans and plans and measures consequences.
Beige spreadsheets love, and passion and dreams.

If you are uncomfortable about same sex relationships unfriend me now

If you have a deep sense of discomfort thinking about same sex relationships.
Unfriend me now.
Your child will not turn into a lesbian by having a sleepover at her best friends house who happens to have two moms.

And if she did, she would probably be a lot more interesting for it.

If you reminisce about your time in the army unfriend me now.

If you were in the military for less than two years, and left more than twenty years ago, and still regularly refer to your military exploits and how much you miss those good old days, and have military insignia in your profile, and links to "when we were in the military" groups.

Unfriend me now.

You weren't in the SAS.
You were a driver and a mechanic.

Get over it.
Make new friends.
Find new hobbies.
Move on.

Sorry that you got those tatoo's?

I thought not.

If you notify me of all your gamer scores Unfriend me now.

If I get multiple daily reports about how well you are doing playing "Bubble Safari".
If you spend time in your day seeking the forth golden crown on the island of mystery.

Don't tell people.
Hide it.

Don't send me messages updating me about your score.

Games on facebook are like porn.
Its okay to do it, but don't share it with the rest of us.

You are an idiot.
Unfriend me now!

ps - Gamers do not play bubble breaker and tetris.

If you try and sell me life insurance over Facebook unfriend me now!

You work for an insurance company.
I don't want to be sold life insurance via face book.
Why are you selling life insurance via face book.
Why do you think I would be interested in reading about your company's financial results.
I know what an advertorial is.
I throw away the business section of the newspaper anyway.
Go away.
Eff off.
Unfriend me now!

If you give political advice unfriend me now!

If I want advice about who to vote for, or any political advice, I'll get it from a reliable, informed and objective source.

You have no political experience, insight or information.
You are emotional, bigoted and shortsighted.

Shut up.
Don't even vote.

That way there is less chance of a bigot getting elected.

If you give location updates unfriend me now!

You are not a movie star or a celebrity.
The fact that you are having lunch somewhere is of no consequence to any of us.

Dickhead Dave, your bowling buddy at the office, might give a shit that you are having lunch at a restaurant that actually has linen napkins.

We don't.
"Mike is having lunch at Arthur's"

Arsewipe.

If you post constant photo's of your kids unfriend me now!

Enough with the photo's of your kids already.
Create a family list and sent it to them.
But don't send them to 135 vague friends who mostly don't give a shit.
I saw her last week.
Twice.
She looks like you poor thing.

If you post smug holiday photo's unfriend me now!

Does anybody work.
I do.
And I don't want to see your fucking skiiing holiday photographs smugly sipping champagne in the Alps.
You fucking show off.
We all know you are rich and loaded and an arsehole.
We don't need facebook to know that.
We can tell by your car.

If you have a Cute Dog Profile Photo unfriend me now!

Having one of your pets as your profile photo is fucking weird.
Especially a cute dog.
Especially a cute, small, dead dog.
She died.
Get over it.
WTF

If you are a Sports Parent unfriend me now!

Nobody gives a shit that your eight year old won the regional title.
No matter how you twist it or how badly and thickly you try and hide it, we can all see you are just fucking gloating.
She won it not you.
Other than your lonely spinster sister, who will reply three times, nobody really gives a shit.
Even her grandmother is embarrassed.

If you wish your kids happy birthday on facebook unfriend me now!

It is sad for both you and your child thta they are going to get their birthday wish via facebook.

Oh, hold on.
Thats right.
Its not for your child.

Its for you. You wierdly need to reinforce to yourself that you love your child.
You need all of us to see what a great parent you are.
You have issues.
You need approval and seek affirmation from your friends.

Rather don't.

Fuckwit.